This post is difficult for me to write and you'll see why - as I told you; this is a place of honesty; but sometimes the truth hurts!
This past weekend I was cleaning out my 13yr. old's room and I came across something that broke my heart - a notebook marked "keep out". Yes I know I should probably have respected her privacy; but also as a mother I feel I have the right to know what's going on in her life. Well....I cried! There were a few pages of "I hate my life and I hate my mother". I'm really glad she wasn't here because I might have handled things the wrong way. She vocalized how I can be moody and that I yell a lot. She's right; I hate to admit it; but she is totally right!
So now what do I do? I have let stress and anxiety rule most of my adult life and it's being sent down on my children. I hate this about myself. Why can't I just be soft spoken? I struggle with obsessive compulsiveness and I like everything to be in it's place. When you have 4 kid's things are going to be out of place; but then anxiety overwhelms me and I can burst out. I had a long talk with God about this last night and how I want release from this struggle. In some ways I'm teaching my children to take care of things and to be responsible; but in other ways I'm setting them up for failure.
Well...I put her notebook back and I'm not even going to mention it to her. I gave her an extra holding today and told her I loved her very much! I think all of us have felt that way one time or another about our parents; especially in our pre-teen/teenage years and it's perfectly normal. I will just continue to give my heart-cry to God and let him heal the wounds and change me. That's all any of us can do. -CiCi-
The Light shines in the darkness and the darkness will not overcome it...you are bringing in the Light...where Christ can heal it.
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing mom...I wish I could get a little more like you!
Love you my sister! THanks for shining!
Rhonda
Thanks for sharing Cindy, try not to take to too personally. I remember having a journal as a teen and writing how much I hated my mom, and I remember telling her it too. I did not mean it. Now she is my best friend. Eli has told me that before when he is angry, and I tell him "Eli, you cant take back words, and you don't mean that" Its usually followed with "yes I do" or something like that.
ReplyDeleteJust remember you are a good mom. We all have weaknesses because we are human, that is why we need Gods saving grace. And as well as seeing your struggles, she also sees that you never give up
Thanks ladies for your encouraging words! We are all doing the very best we can to be Godly women, mother's and wives!
ReplyDelete